His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
