she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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