Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize