You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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