My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
