he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
