I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
