i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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