he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
