Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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