I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
