i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
