This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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