god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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