Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
