I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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