If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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