oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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