I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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