Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
