Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
