I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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