I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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