When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
