I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
