apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
