I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
