I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
