my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
