Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize