I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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