thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
