Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize