So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
