Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Success! We fucked roommates!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
