I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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