Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
