feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
