he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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