You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
