This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
