You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
