So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You have to summon your inner elephant
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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