ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
