We're facebook friends in real life
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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