remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
