genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
