Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize