I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
