She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize