Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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