i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
