so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
