HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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