on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
