i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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