My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
