dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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