I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
