Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
