Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
