weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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