I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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