mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
