Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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