I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
