I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize