I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
