Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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