she woke up with a sticky ear
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
