Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
